Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hey Diddle What????

Every day I wake up and realize how much I really don't know about babies. In fact, I had another realization pop me in the face a few weeks ago. I was trying to rock Grey to sleep and was attempting to sing to him. Now I say attempting because I have never claimed to be a good singer and therefore figured I'd start off with something easy. So I started: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, how I wonder.............." Shit. What am I wondering here. Where you are? What you are? Who you are? I had no idea what the words were. Odd. I figured I knew that one. So I tried again. "Hush little baby don't say a word, Papa's going to buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird gets broke......" Wait, that's slightly morbid. If that mocking bird won't chirp? What rhymes with chirp? Burp? For some reason I don't think that's right either. I remembered there being something about a looking glass, too. Of course the only thing that I could think of that rhymed with glass was ass. And I'm about 99% sure that's NOT in the song.

So it went on. I would try a song, get hung up, and try a different one. And come to find out, the more nursery rhymes I tried, the more I realized I didn't know the words to them. At least not under the stress of having a baby who was on the verge of sleeping, yet was just waiting for you to stop singing so he would have an excuse to freak out. Talk about feeling like an incompetant parent. I couldn't even sing a nursery rhyme to him correctly. My poor child would never graduate from Harvard and it was all my fault! (Okay, deep breaths). After about 23 failed attempts at nursery rhyming, I finally gave up and sang the only song I could think of under pressure. So he got the first verse and chorus of Silver Bells. On repeat. Thank goodness it was still the holiday season.

I guess nursery rhymes are just one more thing to add to my "Things I Don't Know About Raising a Baby" list, among other topics such as "Preventing diaper blow outs," "He ate over 2 hours ago, what the hell is he spitting up?" and "How did he pee that far up the wall?" However I am happy to report that in addition to the multitude of things that I don't know, there are some things that I have figured out. For example:

1) When Junior is in hysterics, just lay him on his changing table. Instant silence. He just stares at a spot over your right shoulder. Or course you will then find yourself glancing over your right shoulder just to make sure that there is in fact nothing there. (And you'll continue to do this at approximately 30 second intervals just to make sure that there is STILL nothing there.)

2) Baby talk can be a great way to communicate with your baby. You are sure to get lots of smiles and coos in return. It is not however a great way to communicate with your peers or with inanimate objects. Recently I found myself talking in baby talk to my gym bag in the locker room. Yes, out loud. And let's just say that the people around me were NOT smiling and cooing in response. In my defense it was because my keys were playing Peek-A-Boo with me. (Dere you are!)

3) Dogs (or big, scarwey monsers as they have come to be known in our house - see baby talk example above) can be an invaluable source of entertainment for an infant. Greyden just stares at them with a skeptical expression of "what in the hell are those ugly creatures doing?" on his face. They are not so much a great source of entertainment for us parents. Mostly because my dogs like to wrestle, but only if they are within 2 feet of Junior on his activity mat. In addition, Harley is convinced that if he drops his slobbery bone on top of Greyden enough, Grey WILL throw it for him. Bella on the other hand just thinks he tastes phenomenal. 

 4) As soon as you remove his diaper, Greyden will pee. Or, if you're really lucky, poop. But only once you have removed the diaper and moved it a safe distance away from his bum. He just can't take the chance you might be able to grab it in time to cover him back up.

5) On that note, babies are loud poopers. At least mine is. You can literally hear him pooping from across the room. It sounds like the farts of a grown man at Deer Camp. On top of that, you would think he was trying to pass a Coke can with the way he grunts and strains. I cannot for the life of me figure out what he is having the issue with. I mean, the kid is breastfed and therefore doesn't even HAVE solid poops. But according to his doctor this is normal for babies. We are told that once he gets used to his bodily functions and how they feel, he won't be as vocal about having them. Therefore I anticipate this going on for quite some time, as Daddy must still be getting used to his bodily functions too.

6) One way to piss Junior off quickly? Pump in front of him. He appears to view Benny Breastpump as his competition, because getting out my pump ensures he will either 1) start doing something really, really cute to distract me (since I HAVE to go find my camera) or 2) decide that he needs to be held at THIS VERY MOMENT. I don't think he's made the connection that the outcome will make it to him eventually.

7) Junior not eating? Take him to a restaurant. There is about a 99% guarantee that if you take him out to eat with you, he will instantly decide that he is hungry as well and that he needs to eat NOW. This means that mommy gets to whip out the ol' boob in public to shut him up. Need a free peep show? Come to BWW with us.

8) The quickest way to get Junior to wake up screaming to be fed? Have a glass of wine after you put him down for the night! This will be sure to rouse him from even the deepest sleep within minutes, even after he's gone 2 straight weeks of sleeping 8+ hours a night.


9) What worked last week will not work this week. Remember that swing that you spend $150 on only to find that Junior HATED it and shrieked the entire time he was in it? No need to worry, because not only is it his new favorite thing, it's now the only place he'll nap! Same with the little monkey toy he was enthralled with last week. This week said monkey is apparently trying to eat him for dinner.

10) And last but not least, there is NOTHING in this world that is better than baby smiles. Especially when they are coming from YOUR baby. And the smiles are even better when you realize that your baby is actually smiling at you because he loves you and not just because he has gas. Need proof? See below.






Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's the Final Countdown (Again)

One week left. That's all that remains of my 12 weeks of maternity leave. I can't believe Greyden will be 11 weeks on Monday! It feels like it flew by, but when I stop to think about the first few weeks of living with a newborn it also feels like it was so long ago. He's changed so much in the last few weeks. He's slept 8 1/2 - 9 hours every night for the last week. He's also started rolling from his tummy to his back. And he loves to stand up. I'll pull him up by his hands from his back into a sitting position and he'll tuck his legs under him and push up the rest of the way. For being such a small little peanut (10 lbs, 8.5 ounces last Monday) he's crazy strong. He's going to be walking before we know it which is highly scary. I have no idea how to baby-proof a house. I can barely keep it dog-proofed. The only reason I know to keep candles off the coffee table is because Harley has a habit of lighting up his tail whenever he walks by. I am the kind of person that learns by experience. Once something bad happens, I know to change it so it doesn't happen again. Although it's probably not the greatest idea to use Junior as my baby-proofing Guinea Pig and learn by trial and error.

With my maternity leave coming to a close the start of daycare is right around the corner. I feel like such a horrible mother because although I dread leaving him, I am actually looking forward to going back to work. (Margarita lunches here I come! Damn. Is my boss reading this? I meant iced tea lunches.) It's SO hard to be home with him all the time. Most of the time I spend wondering what to do with him. He's only just becoming interested in toys so you can only do so much playing with him. Plus, there is always laundry to be done or dinner to be cooked. Of course I feel guilty for doing those things instead of interacting with him, even though they have to be done. Although I do try to entertain him while I work. The poor kid has had everything waved in his face from Daddy's underwear while I'm folding laundry to bags of shredded cheese and frying pans when I'm cooking. And god forbid mommy starts dancing with the green peppers again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the daycare staff have 100% of their time and energy to him every day and that makes me at least feel a little better about the whole situation.

Another thing that is helping me feel better about daycare is getting a housekeeper. We're only going to have about 2 hours to spend with Greyden each night between me picking him up from daycare and us getting him ready for bed, so the last thing I want to do is spend it cleaning. Ever since my old housekeeper (Kevin) up and quit on me without notice, the house has been a wreck. Apparently he felt that I should be helping with the cleaning or something since I was home all day anyway. Ha! Like I have time to dust or vacuum while I'm trying to feed and entertain a baby. Not to mention I'd feel guilty doing it when Greyden is awake because of course I should be playing with him. So I put in a few calls last week, found one who speaks really good English (which is essential to me, since I can hardly understand Southern accents, let alone a whole different language), and had her start yesterday. It's already a godsend. She did more in 3 hours than Kevin and I both can do in a day. Now I'll be able to spend those 2 hours with Junior in the evenings instead of trying to clean the house. Not that I spent those hours cleaning the house before either, but that's obviously not the point.


Checking In!

Weeks Post Partum: 10.5 Weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: 10 more pounds lost! Which is a miracle being as the pounds came off somewhere between Christmas and New Year's while we were in Michigan. And anyone who knows my family knows that we don't skimp on the food. We did nothing but eat and drink the entire time. I fully expected to come back at least 5 pounds heavier. (Yes, I was still using the "this is the one time in my life that I can do this without guilt" line.) That being said I am still 8 pounds over where I started when I got pregnant. Both Kevin and I have been getting back at the gym for the last couple of weeks (Kevin for the first time since last April - yes I checked at the front desk) so hopefully the pounds will come off soon. Like, next week.

Maternity Clothes: Yes, I'm still in them. I can fit into a couple of pairs of my pre-pregnancy jeans but have a mega-muffin top when I button them up. It's not pretty. Elastic-waist pants are still my friends for now. Although I desperately need to try on my work clothes, being as I start work again in a week. It would probably be helpful to know if I am going to have clothes to wear come Monday morning, right? I'm thinking I will do it this evening (just like I thought I'd do it last weekend.)
Sleep: Yup! As I said above, Grey is sleeping 8 1/2 to 9 hours a night. He usually wakes up around 4 or 5 am, eats, and is back down for another 3 - 4 hours. It's been heavenly. But I'm not counting my chickens just yet. I've heard the horror stories about how you'll just start to think that the baby is sleeping through the night and then BAM! They're back to waking every few hours. I'm sure that me waking him up in the morning to take him to daycare won't help the situation either. So I'm enjoying it while it lasts. Especially since it means that mommy can have a glass of wine in the evening after he goes to bed and it will be well out of my system by the time he wakes up.

Best moment this week: Greyden rolling over! The first time I figured it was just a fluke. Mostly because he's so young, but also because he looked so shocked when he ended up on his back that it was obvious he had no intention of doing it. (The second time he cried. It was hilarious.) But he's done it quite a few times since then. He even did it once for Grandma and Grandpa Shagene via Skype. Show off.
What I miss: Stress free visits to restaurants. Greyden did really well for a while. The loud noise of the restaurants knocked him out just about as soon as we walked through the door so we could just hang out for a couple of hours and relax. Now that he's starting to see more things, he is preferring to stay awake instead. And of course that means he gets bored sitting in his car seat the entire time and starts to get fussy and cry. The last few times we've ended up having to pound our beers ask for our dinner to go so that we could get out before the total meltdown. He's fine by the time we get to the car of course.
What I am looking forward to: Going back to work (sort of) although I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune by the time the day actually comes.
Milestones: Rolling from his tummy to his back and pushing himself into a standing position. He's started to smile in reaction to mommy and daddy (I'm sure dancing with vegetables had nothing to do with that) and likes to talk non-stop. And I use the term talk very loosely. But when you have a baby that can suddenly make more noises than just high-pitched wails to make his point, you'll take what you can get. Oh, and he's discovered his fist. As you can see in the first minute or so of the video below.





Greyden also took his first trip to the Houston Boat Show this past weekend. Daddy got him dressed (and I'd be crying too if Daddy put me in this outfit - just because it's all camouflage doesn't mean that it matches, Daddy):



Greyden and Daddy at the Boat Show:



A couple random pictures:



Sunday, January 9, 2011

Find Me a Baby! Any Baby!

We finally had a breakthrough in the Hockenberry Household last night. Junior slept for 8 1/2 hours straight! (This may or may not have had something to do with Mommy's teeny, little glass of wine that evening.) Regardless, anything over 8 hours is a breakthrough. He's been pretty consistent in terms of sleeping 5-6 hours for the first shift, and I think we had one 7 hour night. But 8 hours was unheard of until this point. But like all things in life, this wonderful phenomenon came at a small cost. Mainly the fact that it meant that while Greyden got a good night's sleep, I didn't. Why? Because I woke up to the most excruciating pain of my life. I thought I was going to die. Actually, I thought I was going to explode.

No one tells you the downfalls of breastfeeding before you have the baby. You might hear come random, casual comments, but over all you really don't hear about the horrors: the latch problems, the cracked and bleeding nipples (or "hamburger" nipples as my friend called them last weekend), or random leaking in public. You do however hear a lot about how it's best for the baby and is an amazing form of bonding between mom and baby (and since I still refuse to lick him, this is how we get our bonding time in.) Lucky for me, I have never had any issues besides the sensitivity for the first few weeks. Junior took off like a pro from the beginning. But last night I discovered another downfall of breastfeeding. For Greyden to sleep for 8 1/2 hours meant that Mommy had a full (no pun intended) 8 1/2 hours worth of PORN BOOBS. I could easily have been Pamela Anderson's twin sister (minus the blond hair, the career born from Playboy, and the love affair with Kid Rock. So mostly it was just the boobs.) I would even be willing to bet that when she got her's they didn't hurt nearly as bad as mine did last night.

It wasn't too bad at first. I woke up at 4 am when I heard some chirping noises coming from Greyden's Pack and Play (which is still in our room from Thanksgiving when we gave our guests the nursery. We will find the motivation to put the nursery back together at some point I'm sure.) My first thought was "Thank God. I am SO ready to feed him." But pretty soon, there was nothing but silence. 15 minutes later the sounds started again. "THANK GOD. Let's get this party started." Nope, silence again. This went on from 4 am until 5:30 am. Every 15 minutes or so I'd hear him start moving around like he was about to get up, then pretty soon he'd be snoring again. Needless to say, if I thought I was ready to explode at 4, by 5:30 I thought I was going to turn into an Austin Power's Fembot and begin shooting everything in sight. Every time he made a sound, my poor, confused body took it as a cue to produce more milk. I seriously thought I was going to wake Kevin up by screaming "FIND ME A FREAKING BABY ALREADY!!!" By the time Grey finally (THANKFULLY) woke up to eat at 5:36, I was half afraid of drowning the poor kid. Luckily we both managed to survive the ordeal, although I'm pretty sure mom got the raw end of the deal as usual. I am told by the Breastfeeding Nazis Lactation Consultants that my body will soon regulate itself to produce the correct amount of milk at night based on how long he's sleeping, although I'm pretty sure they're just screwing with me so that I don't quit. So until that actually happens, I am putting an ad on Craig's List for donations of hungry babies to get me through. As people have told me since Day 1, when you have a baby, you do what you need to in order to survive.