The Beautiful Beached Whale

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. So much has happened since then. Actually, I take that back. Not much has happened. We do nothing besides work on the house, which is evident in the fact that I can't even find time to update my blog. It's insane how much we have to do. And the only pregnancy related thing I've done lately is fluff up into the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. Yes, I am officially ginormous. Like, XL ginormous. I would give pretty much anything for my appetite to go back to normal (it won't) or my clothes to fit (they don't). I have parked myself in my Granny Panties and yoga pants, meaning major VPL (visible pantie lines), which I always swore I'd never have. I think Kevin is starting to count down the days until I can go back to dressing normally (ha! Get in line dude). We were walking down the street in Brighton about a week ago and we happened to walk by an intimates store. He suggested going in so that I could get some sexy new underwear. I pointed out that the sexiness of underwear is proportionate to the size - the larger the size you buy, the more unsexy it becomes. He didn't say a word as he shoved scooted me past the front door. Still think I'm overexagerating? This was our conversation from a few nights ago:


Him: We should go skinny dipping!
Me: I'm pretty sure that at this stage in my pregnancy, I'm not allowed to do anything that involves the word "skinny".
Him: We'll chunky dunk then!


Oddly, that didn't make me feel any better. Go figure. Luckily this conversation happened via text, so he missed my giant eye roll (and my fist). 


So after reading all about my largeness, you might be wondering why on earth I decided to pose for maternity photos. The answer is actually quite simple. I can't turn down free. When I booked Baby Girl's newborn pictures, I got a free mini-maternity shoot (why they call it mini, I'll never know, since there was definitely nothing mini happening in that room) so that's exactly why I found myself beached in a photographer's studio a couple of weeks ago. I have to admit, the pictures turned out better than I thought they would. My photographer must have some serious skills for her to be able to pose me so that you can still see the backdrop. 

With how uncomfortable I've become in the last month or so, I keep reminiscing about my first pregnancy. It was so easy. Not only did I have zero pain, I gained the perfect amount of weight. This one? I'm already 5 pounds over my weight when I delivered Greyden. Unfortunately I'm also anticipating putting on at least another 5 pounds before I deliver, which makes me (and my already exhausted clothes) want to cry. But I actually couldn't tell you exactly what I weigh. I make sure to turn away when the nurse at the doctor's office weighs me, and the last time I weighed myself at home was 3 weeks ago. At that point I was already up 35 pounds and there might have been many a couple Taco Bell runs and Chinese Buffets since then. I finally realized that I had to stop keeping track (of both my weight AND my food intake) because all it was doing was making me want to eat more crab rangoons out of sheer depression. It's a vicious cycle. So I'm following my friend Katie's advice. I will weight myself one more time when I'm 100% sure I'm in labor. That way my weight will be at it's absolute highest and I'll look like a Rock Star if when I lose it all. ("What? You lost 190 lbs in 3 months? Can I have your autograph???") Pretty good plan, right?


Okay, fine. I know it will take longer than 3 months. But a girl can dream. I would be happy to be down even 10 pounds at this point. I am tired of being in pain and getting stuck everywhere. My belly is slightly bigger than my eyes so I have knocked down bumped more than one person when I've tried to squeeze by. And I've also been stuck on the floor, in chairs, and under furniture (don't ask). So I am motivated enough to know that I won't (or physically can't) be this way forever.


While there is no doubt in my mind that I will lose this weight at some point after the baby comes, I'm realistic enough to know that it will be hard and it will take a while. But it will happen (mainly because I won't have any clothes to wear if it doesn't). However I'm a little hesitant on what it's going to take to lose the weight. Especially Step 1 of the weight loss: Birth the baby. You would think that this should be the easy part since I've done it before. We even winged it with Greyden and didn't bother with a birthing class. So why before this one did I decide to take a birthing class? I DON'T @$#@%$# KNOW!!!! All I know is that I'm more terrified now than I have ever been in my life. We were 100% correct in our decision not to take it before Greyden. It's so much better to not know what's going to happen. Of course the class started off with a birthing video. I should have walked out right there. Here I was, the only person in the class that already had a baby, and I'M the one that was completely pale and breathing into a paper bag. I'm sure my reaction helped the other soon-to-be-moms immensely. I still have nightmares. I'm actually not sure which is worse - birthing a baby or having a toddler-sized child inside of me. At this point, I'm leaning toward the toddler.


To add insult to injury, we'd have to pick now to get our first pool. We've wanted one for years and even looked at putting one in while we lived in Texas and just never went through with it. So now that I'm ginormous, we finally have one. I broke down and bought a maternity bathing suit a couple of weeks ago. I didn't have a choice. I may have rocked a bikini for my entire pregnancy with Greyden, but there is no rocking going on with this one, unless I inadvertently tip over. Even I worry about what's under that thin layer of fabric. The timing of this baby is really bad for the season. For the first half of the summer I get to look like a bloated whale. For the second half, I'll look like a deflated whale. This isn't going to be pretty.

CHECKING IN - WEEK 36!

Due Date: July 15, 2012
Total weight gain/loss: See above. You don't want to know. I don't want to know.
Next Appointment: We're in the weekly phase, so I had one yesterday and I have one next Tuesday. I've been measuring spot on for my entire pregnancy until yesterday's appointment. Now I'm measuring a week behind at 35 weeks. YAY for small babies.  
Maternity clothes? If I don't deliver soon, I'm going to be going naked. There's no way in hell I'm buying new ones.
Sleep: Well, if Greyden were sleeping, I would be sleeping. However since he's currently in the process of recovering from Hand Foot and Mouth Disease (which is the WORST THING EVER) there's not much sleep going on. It's slowly getting better. 
Best moment this week: Sending Greyden to daycare. Only because it means that after a full week of being sick and in pain, he's finally better. In addition, we have friends from Texas up for a long weekend!
Movement: Well, she's moving constantly which makes approximately one of us that is able to do so. My hips are shot. I can't remember ever having this much excruciating pain shooting through them and my butt. It hurts to do anything and everything, and driving ling distances is pretty much impossible because I can't breathe when I'm all smooshed upright. On top of that, there's been more than one time where she's brought me to my knees when she's bounced her head off my bladder and sent sharp pains shooting through me. It's great.
Food cravings: Pretty much everything. If it's edible, there's a pretty good chance I'm going to eat it.  
Planning/Preparations: Well, the nursery is painted and the dresser is built! I finally broke down and started ordering some of the stuff we'll need online a couple of weeks ago. So we have the essentials: boppy, changing pad, humidifier, monitors, etc. We're pretty much good to go except for the crib. I might have procrastinated a tiny bit on that one. The delivery time on it is 6-8 weeks. I ordered it when I was 34 weeks, which doesn't give me much any time. I have a feeling the poor kid is going to spend her first few weeks in a Pack and Play.  
Belly Button/Stretch Marks: I have none of either. Yes, I said I have none of the belly buttons. It's flat. Not an innie, not an outie. Completely 100% flat. And absolutely ridiculous looking. This could have been a factor in my deciding to break down and buy a maternity bathing suit.
Showing?: You mean my belly? Well, considering my shirts barely cover it, yes, I'm showing it to everyone. 
What I miss: Being able to function without pain. I hobble around like I've had both hips replaced. They also like to give out on me randomly. I wake up every morning with knots in my calves from the cramps I've gotten while sleeping.
What I am looking forward to: 4th of July weekend! We're taking the RV up to mom and dad's to camp. Although I have to admit, I'm slightly nervous about being so far from my hospital. And even though I'm in a ton of pain, I'm also praying that I go to my due date (yes, I know this is odd, but we have a ton of stuff still to do) so hopefully I won't have to worry about it. 
Milestones: Well, I finally know what pregnancy feels like and I get why women complain. It pretty much sucks and makes up my mind not to do this to myself ever again. I'd call that one hell of a milestone.


36 week picture. Scary: