Edjoomacating Myself

I have moved on from the pregnancy books. I hadn't planned on it. Actually, it hadn't even occured to me. But suddenly I was hit with a ton of bricks. I have no idea what to do when Bob (yes, it's still Bob. Please send name suggestions) gets here. Here I was, still happily thumbing my way through my copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting." As I was reading the chapter on what to expect during month 8, I realized that there wasn't a whole lot of substance beyond that. Month 9 and I was done. WAIT A MINUTE! What comes after month 9??? I suddenly realized that I don't actually care what happens in months 8 or 9. I've been doing just fine with winging the pregnancy so far. I may even have it pretty much figured out. But what about what happens in month 10? Or 11? Or 12? It suddenly hit me that I'm pretty much screwed. Time to get educated.

When I started to voice my concerns out loud, everyone told me not to worry, that I'd know exactly what to do when the baby arrived. I hear the phrase "it will come naturally" a LOT. Well, yes, I suppose it will come naturally. If natural is handing the baby off to someone else when he starts crying. I have a feeling that the people around me will only put up with my version of "natural" for so long. Especially when every time he opens his mouth to cry I hand him off and head to my bed for a nice, peaceful nap. (That being said, I do believe this technique will work for at least the first couple of weeks or so. I am totally banking on people feeling very sorry for me.)

So I started looking around for books on caring for a baby (since I might need to know what to do when my two-week grace period of people feeling sorry for me wears off.) One of the books I picked up is called "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding." Hmmm.....I'd like to try my hand (boob?) at breastfeeding, this seems like it should be an enlightening read. Now I'm a few chapters in. And now I'm scared. Apparently I will be a horrible mother if I don't breastfeed. Don't I know that it can take up to 6 months (yes, they said 6 months) for me and the baby to both catch on and be comfortable with it? If I give up before that, my poor baby will have numerous health issues and we just won't be able to BOND like we should. (Note: My patience lasts about 6 seconds, so I'm guessing that I won't be part of their little 6 month club.) Just as the panic of "what if I can't breastfeed?" starts to take hold, no worries. The book goes on to say that if you are one of the women out there that physically can't breastfeed, it's okay. The baby will be just fine on formula. Um, excuse me? Two chapters ago you were telling me that if I don't breastfeed, the baby will sprout a second head. I'm highly confused at this point, but since confusion is a normal state for me (just lately of course), I soldier on anyway.

Next the book talks about bonding with your baby. First and foremost, in order to bond you need to breastfeed (I'm sorry, but I don't think that the author of chapter 3 is effectively communicating with the author of chapter 2), have a lot of skin to skin contact (fine, I like nekked - less for me to do if I don't have to get dressed in the mornings), and stare into each other's eyes often (but hopefully not for more than 6 seconds at a time - see above paragraph). The book goes on to say that if all of the above fails and you still don't feel that amazing, GLORIOUS bond of motherhood, that you should..................ready? Lick. The. Baby. Yes, you read that right. What, you weren't expecting that? HA! Neither was I. I'm pretty sure I actually dropped the book when I read that. Their reasoning behind this freakish natural approach to mother-child bonding is that this is a "normal" practice for all mammals as evidenced by watching a dog or a cat give birth. The puppy comes out and mommy dog licks it to clean it up. Okay that part makes sense to me, but I also think that if the mommy dog were presented with a nice, clean washcloth she'd make just as good use of that. And funny enough, I have a feeling that if I actually TRIED this whole licking thing, it wouldn't result in any bonding whatsoever. I picture it happening like this: Baby comes out, nurse wraps him up and puts him on my chest. I don't feel a bond so I upwrap and begin licking him. Baby goes to nursery, mom goes to psychiatric ward. Do you see bonding anywhere in that scenario? I am definitely taking the advice I've read so far with a grain of salt. And also moving on to the next book.

CHECKING IN - WEEK 32!

Due Date: November 12, 2010
Total weight gain/loss: 27 pounds! Just to be clear and not confuse anyone, that's total weight gain. Unfortunately I suppose it's time to remove the "loss" part until (hopefully) after delivery.
Next Appointment: September 30 for my 34 week check up. No more ultrasounds until 36 weeks.
Maternity Clothes: Still no new ones. I am wondering if I might be able to hold out until the end after all.
Labor Signs: Still nada. Which is definitely good. As much as I'm ready for my bottle glass of wine, 32 weeks is still a leetle on the early side.
Sleep: Still hanging in there.
Best moment this week: I'm hoping it will be the Pampered Chef party tonight! As someone who despises shopping, the scenario where someone actually brings the product to me, instead of me having to go out searching for it, is right up my alley.
Movement: Bob must be running out of room. My (and Kevin's) new favorite past time is sitting on the couch at night and watching TV with my shirt up since Bob's new circus trick is pushing. So I'll be sitting there and all of the sudden there will be a baseball-sized bulge sticking out one side of my stomach. It's hilarious to see and really fun to push back in. A few minutes later, the bulge will appear in a different spot. And we push it back in. Sadly, this can continue for quite a while.
Food cravings: I have been wanting oatmeal butterscotch cookies lately. So I tried my hand at them last night. Holy heaven. I think I finally found my craving. (But let's also keep in mind that I am not a baker, so this will probably be my last attempt at it until the kid needs cupcakes for a birthday treat in kindergarten.)
Planning/Preparations: Unfortunately the list looks pretty much identical to how it looked last week. Okay, it is identical. I'm thinking that the sense of urgency should kick in soon and we'll get some more items crossed off. Hopefully this happens before I go into labor.
Belly Button in or out: In. Kevin thinks it's on it's way out. I think he's smoking crack.
Stretch Marks: None. Which, with the size of my belly, is actually becoming quite surprising. But I'll take it.
Showing?: Well, as depressing as it is, this appears to be another category that I can get rid of. And unlike the weight loss one, I am highly hopeful that this one will NOT make a reappearance after delivery.
What I miss: Being able to tie my shoes. I have to sit down and take a deep breath, hold it, and hoist my foot up to tie each one as quickly as possible. And it freaking hurts like a b!tch! The good news is that the only shoes that I have with laces are my running shoes. The bad news is that if I'm putting them on to go to the gym, it means that I'm attempting this act of contortion while sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 5 am when my balance isn't the greatest anyway. (But back to the good news, there are no witnesses that early in the morning.)
What I am looking forward to: Pampered Chef party tonight, going out on a friend's boat on Saturday, and football Sunday.
Milestones: I've started to grunt. Yes, I consider that a milestone. I am now at the point where most activities (hoisting myself into the Navigator, getting up off the couch, rolling out of bed in the morning) are now accompanied by sound effects. Luckily this is not the case with all of my activities. For example, I do not grunt when I eat. Although Kevin may beg to differ. (In my defense it had been over 3 hours since my last meal.)


32 Week Photo Shoot!
(Sorry the pictures are a little blurry. If my stupid photographer would just hold still and take the damn pictures instead of constandly isisting that I "make love to the camera," he'd probably be able to get some clearer shots.)