I Make Cankles Look GOOD

Yeah, I said cankles. For those of you not in the know - cankles is a highly descriptive term that means your ankles no longer exist and instead have become integrated with your calves. Calves + Ankles = Cankles. Wonderful, huh? Cankles are the only way to describe how my feet looked when I got out of bed last Saturday morning. Okay, I'm lying. You could also use balloons, blimps, and boats to describe them. Or just plan FAT. Regardless, you get the picture. Not the actual picture because I refused to document the proof, but a pretty good mental picture. Let's just say that when I put my flip flops on, all you could see was the tiny strap across the top of my foot. The soles had completely disappeared into the abyss. Personally I think I took the whole cankles thing pretty well. I spent the first couple hours staring at them and laughing at how stupid and cartoonish they looked. Then it hit me that these cartoon-looking things were actually attached to me and, if the horror stories were true, would remain so for the next 2 months. Luckily, I didn't panic too much past that initial freak out. (Although, I might have panicked a little over the fact that I'd have to go shoe shopping to get some size 14 extra, extra wides). However I did find a silver lining. If I were to get pulled over for speeding I could just show the cop my ginormous (and therefore heavy) feet and he'd feel sorry enough for me that he'd let me go since it is obviously beyond my control. (Either that or he'd be laughing so hard that I could just get back into my car and drive off without him even realizing what I was doing.) Fortunately before I could test my theory, my feet had returned to normal. When I woke up Sunday, there was a hint of ankle bone, and by Monday you could see that yes, there actually are separations between each of my toes. Now I just wish the same could be said about the sausages protruding from my palms. Apparently swelling is contagious.

All of this swelling is a pretty good indication that D-Day is getting closer. My feet. My hands. My belly. My belly. Have I mentioned my belly? That's where my sausages hands currently seem to live. Most people (old women especially) are probably looking at me and thinking that it's so adorable that I'm so in love with my bump and constantly holding it. HA! I wish. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not rubbing it and daydreaming about the tiny miracle that is growing inside of me. No, I'm holding onto it with the sole purpose of trying to help it defy gravity before it hits my kneecaps. That damn thing is getting heavy! According to "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (yes, I went back to my pregnancy book after my disastrous attempt at newborn education last week) our baby is approximately 4.5 pounds and is the size of a Honeydew melon. One of the other tidbits of information that the book has bestowed upon me is that the baby can hear us. His hearing began developing around 17-18 weeks, which means by now it's pretty much fully developed. I don't know why I never thought to pass on this information to Kevin. I mean, it's pretty cool to think that your baby can hear you and will recognize your voice when he's born. So I told him. Then I quickly remembered why I hadn't told him sooner. This fun baby fact has turned my stomach into Kevin's sounding board. He will randomly walk up to me, get eye level with my belly, poke me, then start yelling "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. No, I am not kidding. And I know that anyone who knows my husband can see him doing this. So if anyone wants to judge me for putting my 2 month old in therapy, please just refer back to this paragraph.

CHECKING IN - WEEK 33!

Due Date: November 12, 2010
Total weight gain: 28 pounds! Up just one pound from last week. I'll take it. Especially considering last night's dinner was take out pizza and cheesy bread. With ranch and garlic butter of course. The doctor DID say that now is not the time to diet.
Next Appointment: Next Thursday. Just a check up. However if this killer pain in my side doesn't go away soon, I may be making an earlier appearance on the doctor's doorstep. I had the same pain about 6 weeks ago so I went in to the doctor and they hooked me up to the monitors. Everything was perfect with Bob and they couldn't explain the pain other than a possible muscle strain. Sure enough it was gone when I woke up the next morning. Now it's back with a vengeance and I'm going on day 3. Apparently Bob doesn't like the pain in my side either, because he keeps kicking it. Repeatedly. And while I appreciate his support and trying to help mommy beat up the bad guy, I seriously don't think it's helping.

Maternity Clothes: I finally broke down and bought a few more shirts. My pre-pregnancy shirts were beginning to fall a little short (literally) on covering the necessary real estate in the front.

Labor Signs: My Braxton Hicks contractions have started back up. But besides that, still nada.
Sleep: See Next Appointment above. Sleep would be much easier if I didn't have that stupid pain and Wonder Boy the Superhero trying to fight it off. It's miserable.

Best moment this week: Honestly, this has been the week from hell. Therefore the best moment is today - FRIDAY! I'm ready for a break.

Movement: Again, refer to Next Appointment and Sleep above. Stabbing pain, superhero, rinse, repeat.

Food cravings: I guess by now it can safely be assumed that I am not going to have any cravings. Which, for someone who loves (okay, worships) food as much as I do, is highly disappointing.

Planning/Preparations: We received our box of goodies from our shower in Michigan this week! We immediately opened it and started putting the nursery together. (This process may also be known to some as throwing everything into random dresser drawers until we figure out exactly what to do with it).
Belly Button in or out: I still say in, Kevin still says "wait for it....." So I've decided to compromise and say that it's more flat than anything. (Flat with a slight inward curve. He's still smoking crack.)
Stretch Marks: Nope. Although I did have a moment of panic this morning when I got up for work. I took off my robe and my stomach was COVERED with red creases. Turns out, the creases were from me sleeping on my blanket. Crisis averted.

What I miss: Beer. Football season is seriously not the same without it. Or maybe it's the drunk people that I'm watching the games with that aren't the same to me without it. Hmmmm.....there's a thought. I have to say, I think I'm the most popular person in our group of friends right now. Mainly because I'm pretty much the only person who can point them in the direction of their lost beers. (To be honest, it's not really rocket science. I just tell them to check the counter in the bathroom. 99% of the time, I'm right. But they still think I'm a sober, beer-finding goddess so I'm rolling with it.)
What I am looking forward to: Our Newborn Care class next Tuesday night. FINALLY! I sure as hell wasn't getting any help from my books and lord knows we need all the help we can get.

Milestones: Bob's started having hiccups. Twice yesterday and once so far today as a matter of fact. According the my book, hiccups are necessary for proper diaphragm and lung development. Which Bob needs so that when he begins to walk and talk, he can walk up to Daddy (preferably while Daddy is sleeping), get eye level with him, poke him, and yell "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. Paybacks are hell.

33 Weeks - And yes, you can ignore the stupid look on my face. My "photographer" has me making love to the camera again.

I need to add a small side story here: Approximately 30 seconds after this picture was taken, Kevin was at it again. This time it was "BOBBLES! YOU CAN COME EARLIER IF YOU WANT SO THAT I CAN GO HUNTING THIS YEAR! SOMETIME AROUND OCTOBER 15 WOULD BE GREAT! OR OCTOBER 17! BOBBLES!!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME???" Yup, the whole hunting thing should make it pretty apparent that I can't make this stuff up.

Edjoomacating Myself

I have moved on from the pregnancy books. I hadn't planned on it. Actually, it hadn't even occured to me. But suddenly I was hit with a ton of bricks. I have no idea what to do when Bob (yes, it's still Bob. Please send name suggestions) gets here. Here I was, still happily thumbing my way through my copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting." As I was reading the chapter on what to expect during month 8, I realized that there wasn't a whole lot of substance beyond that. Month 9 and I was done. WAIT A MINUTE! What comes after month 9??? I suddenly realized that I don't actually care what happens in months 8 or 9. I've been doing just fine with winging the pregnancy so far. I may even have it pretty much figured out. But what about what happens in month 10? Or 11? Or 12? It suddenly hit me that I'm pretty much screwed. Time to get educated.

When I started to voice my concerns out loud, everyone told me not to worry, that I'd know exactly what to do when the baby arrived. I hear the phrase "it will come naturally" a LOT. Well, yes, I suppose it will come naturally. If natural is handing the baby off to someone else when he starts crying. I have a feeling that the people around me will only put up with my version of "natural" for so long. Especially when every time he opens his mouth to cry I hand him off and head to my bed for a nice, peaceful nap. (That being said, I do believe this technique will work for at least the first couple of weeks or so. I am totally banking on people feeling very sorry for me.)

So I started looking around for books on caring for a baby (since I might need to know what to do when my two-week grace period of people feeling sorry for me wears off.) One of the books I picked up is called "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding." Hmmm.....I'd like to try my hand (boob?) at breastfeeding, this seems like it should be an enlightening read. Now I'm a few chapters in. And now I'm scared. Apparently I will be a horrible mother if I don't breastfeed. Don't I know that it can take up to 6 months (yes, they said 6 months) for me and the baby to both catch on and be comfortable with it? If I give up before that, my poor baby will have numerous health issues and we just won't be able to BOND like we should. (Note: My patience lasts about 6 seconds, so I'm guessing that I won't be part of their little 6 month club.) Just as the panic of "what if I can't breastfeed?" starts to take hold, no worries. The book goes on to say that if you are one of the women out there that physically can't breastfeed, it's okay. The baby will be just fine on formula. Um, excuse me? Two chapters ago you were telling me that if I don't breastfeed, the baby will sprout a second head. I'm highly confused at this point, but since confusion is a normal state for me (just lately of course), I soldier on anyway.

Next the book talks about bonding with your baby. First and foremost, in order to bond you need to breastfeed (I'm sorry, but I don't think that the author of chapter 3 is effectively communicating with the author of chapter 2), have a lot of skin to skin contact (fine, I like nekked - less for me to do if I don't have to get dressed in the mornings), and stare into each other's eyes often (but hopefully not for more than 6 seconds at a time - see above paragraph). The book goes on to say that if all of the above fails and you still don't feel that amazing, GLORIOUS bond of motherhood, that you should..................ready? Lick. The. Baby. Yes, you read that right. What, you weren't expecting that? HA! Neither was I. I'm pretty sure I actually dropped the book when I read that. Their reasoning behind this freakish natural approach to mother-child bonding is that this is a "normal" practice for all mammals as evidenced by watching a dog or a cat give birth. The puppy comes out and mommy dog licks it to clean it up. Okay that part makes sense to me, but I also think that if the mommy dog were presented with a nice, clean washcloth she'd make just as good use of that. And funny enough, I have a feeling that if I actually TRIED this whole licking thing, it wouldn't result in any bonding whatsoever. I picture it happening like this: Baby comes out, nurse wraps him up and puts him on my chest. I don't feel a bond so I upwrap and begin licking him. Baby goes to nursery, mom goes to psychiatric ward. Do you see bonding anywhere in that scenario? I am definitely taking the advice I've read so far with a grain of salt. And also moving on to the next book.

CHECKING IN - WEEK 32!

Due Date: November 12, 2010
Total weight gain/loss: 27 pounds! Just to be clear and not confuse anyone, that's total weight gain. Unfortunately I suppose it's time to remove the "loss" part until (hopefully) after delivery.
Next Appointment: September 30 for my 34 week check up. No more ultrasounds until 36 weeks.
Maternity Clothes: Still no new ones. I am wondering if I might be able to hold out until the end after all.
Labor Signs: Still nada. Which is definitely good. As much as I'm ready for my bottle glass of wine, 32 weeks is still a leetle on the early side.
Sleep: Still hanging in there.
Best moment this week: I'm hoping it will be the Pampered Chef party tonight! As someone who despises shopping, the scenario where someone actually brings the product to me, instead of me having to go out searching for it, is right up my alley.
Movement: Bob must be running out of room. My (and Kevin's) new favorite past time is sitting on the couch at night and watching TV with my shirt up since Bob's new circus trick is pushing. So I'll be sitting there and all of the sudden there will be a baseball-sized bulge sticking out one side of my stomach. It's hilarious to see and really fun to push back in. A few minutes later, the bulge will appear in a different spot. And we push it back in. Sadly, this can continue for quite a while.
Food cravings: I have been wanting oatmeal butterscotch cookies lately. So I tried my hand at them last night. Holy heaven. I think I finally found my craving. (But let's also keep in mind that I am not a baker, so this will probably be my last attempt at it until the kid needs cupcakes for a birthday treat in kindergarten.)
Planning/Preparations: Unfortunately the list looks pretty much identical to how it looked last week. Okay, it is identical. I'm thinking that the sense of urgency should kick in soon and we'll get some more items crossed off. Hopefully this happens before I go into labor.
Belly Button in or out: In. Kevin thinks it's on it's way out. I think he's smoking crack.
Stretch Marks: None. Which, with the size of my belly, is actually becoming quite surprising. But I'll take it.
Showing?: Well, as depressing as it is, this appears to be another category that I can get rid of. And unlike the weight loss one, I am highly hopeful that this one will NOT make a reappearance after delivery.
What I miss: Being able to tie my shoes. I have to sit down and take a deep breath, hold it, and hoist my foot up to tie each one as quickly as possible. And it freaking hurts like a b!tch! The good news is that the only shoes that I have with laces are my running shoes. The bad news is that if I'm putting them on to go to the gym, it means that I'm attempting this act of contortion while sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 5 am when my balance isn't the greatest anyway. (But back to the good news, there are no witnesses that early in the morning.)
What I am looking forward to: Pampered Chef party tonight, going out on a friend's boat on Saturday, and football Sunday.
Milestones: I've started to grunt. Yes, I consider that a milestone. I am now at the point where most activities (hoisting myself into the Navigator, getting up off the couch, rolling out of bed in the morning) are now accompanied by sound effects. Luckily this is not the case with all of my activities. For example, I do not grunt when I eat. Although Kevin may beg to differ. (In my defense it had been over 3 hours since my last meal.)


32 Week Photo Shoot!
(Sorry the pictures are a little blurry. If my stupid photographer would just hold still and take the damn pictures instead of constandly isisting that I "make love to the camera," he'd probably be able to get some clearer shots.)

Bob the Butternut?

One of my favorite ways to occupy myself is by playing around with my "What to Expect When You're Expecting" App on my iPhone. It gives me a countdown as to how many weeks I have left, the gestational age of the baby, what trimester I'm in, and the estimated size of the baby. For some reason, the programmers decided that the best way to visualize the size of your child is by comparing him or her to a fruit or vegetable. (They're obviously female, as male programmers would have compared the baby to a slab of meat. Week 15 - your baby is the size of a hot wing. Week 25 - your baby is the size of a T-bone. Week 34 - your baby is the size of a briskit.) As of today, my baby is approximately 18 inches and 3.2 pounds, which they compare to a Butternut squash. Awwwww.......can't you just picture a cute little Butternut in a diaper??? Me neither.


By playing around with the due date, you can see how big the baby will be throughout your pregnancy. Stupid me decided to see how big the baby would be if I were due next week instead of in 2 months. The app told me that my baby is now 19 to 22 inches and 6 to 9 pounds, or as big as a watermelon. My first thought was "Sweet! I love watermelon!" My second thought was "HOLY HELL HOW AM I GOING TO GET THIS THING OUT OF HERE???" I have a feeling they're not talking about those tiny sugar baby watermelons. Needless to say, I am NOT picturing a cute, little watermelon in a diaper. The visual that I am getting is actually not even remotely close to that. And to think, watermelon used to be my favorite fruit. I think I'm changing my favorite to blueberries.

CHECKING IN - WEEK 31!

Due Date: November 12, 2010
Total weight gain/loss: I hit my 25 pound mark this morning. I'm obviously anticipating gaining a few more since the baby still has to at least double if not triple in weight. (Notice I specifically said "baby" and not "butt.")
Next Appointment: September 16. Right now my appointments are every two weeks, but we'll be going weekly either after this appointment or the next one.
Maternity Clothes: I think I have given up on maternity clothes, because I find myself drawn to the "after baby" clothes lately. Think soft, cotton yoga pants. Now if I could just wear those to work, I'd be all set.
Labor Signs: Nada. I'm not even getting as many Braxton Hicks contractions as I was. I get maybe one every 3 days or so. At this point I kind of feel like I'm going to be pregnant for the rest of my life. (What to Expect App: Your baby is now the size of the record holding pumpkin in Guiness Book of World Records)
Sleep: I'm doing pretty good. I'm lucky in that it's rare that I don't sleep good. Yes, I may be up once or twice each night, but when I am asleep, I sleep like a brick.
Best moment this week: Friday. Even though it was a short week with the Labor Day holiday, it seemed to take FOREVER. I'm happy that it is over and I can sleep in tomorrow morning. I also got the car seat adapter for my stroller (which I still have yet to be allowed to leave the house with, thankyouverymuchKevin). Of course, we don't have the car seat yet, but you know. Baby steps.
Movement: I think I am a bad mom. I hear people talk about how amazing it is to feel the baby move inside of you and while it is amazing and kind of cool to feel, it can also be a little on the uncomfortable side. It feels like my intestines and stomach are being pulled and somersaulted around. To be honest, when there are really big movements I sometimes feel briefly nauseous from the pulling. Kind of like the feeling you get when your stomach turns over after seeing a deep fried cat's ear on your plate at a Chinese buffet when you thought you were getting deep fried calamari. Not that that's ever happened to me or anything.
Food cravings: I guess sugar is on my list, although I can't say I'm actually craving it. It just sounds good lately. I've never been a huge sweets person, but I couldn't say no to the jumbo boxes of Hot Tamales or Sugar Babies at Target yesterday. Notice I said at Target yesterday. Let's just say that they are no longer at Target.
Planning/Preparations: There is still so much to do. I don't even know where to begin. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the whole thing.
Belly Button in or out: In.
Stretch Marks: None. I keep thinking I should be doing something to try to prevent them. Lotion or cocoa butter maybe. But that just sounds like a lot of work at the moment. I'm still banking on those good genes.
Showing?: Still getting bigger. I thought about messing with the woman in Target yesterday who randomly asked me when my little one was due and telling her that I'm not pregnant. But 1) she was seriously lacking in the teeth department so I don't know if I would have been able to understand her response (hell, I barely got her question), and 2) I'd say it's pretty obvious now that I am not just fat.
What I miss: Now that football season is back in full swing, I miss having a beer with the game. The O'douls just doesn't cut it.
What I am looking forward to: Finishing up Starting our Baby To-Do list. Remember how last week I said that if I could get one thing crossed off I'd be a happy camper? Well, I guess I am a happy camper because we got one thing crossed off last week. Yes, one. That only leaves approximately 378 more things to do. I'm hoping to take care of a couple more this weekend.
Milestones: Making it to week 31 - only 9 weeks left! (Now would be a good time to get to work on that to-do list.)

Let's compare.

13 Weeks.



31 Weeks. Hmmmm.......black is supposed to be slimming.



Apparently blue isn't so slimming either.