So it went on. I would try a song, get hung up, and try a different one. And come to find out, the more nursery rhymes I tried, the more I realized I didn't know the words to them. At least not under the stress of having a baby who was on the verge of sleeping, yet was just waiting for you to stop singing so he would have an excuse to freak out. Talk about feeling like an incompetant parent. I couldn't even sing a nursery rhyme to him correctly. My poor child would never graduate from Harvard and it was all my fault! (Okay, deep breaths). After about 23 failed attempts at nursery rhyming, I finally gave up and sang the only song I could think of under pressure. So he got the first verse and chorus of Silver Bells. On repeat. Thank goodness it was still the holiday season.
I guess nursery rhymes are just one more thing to add to my "Things I Don't Know About Raising a Baby" list, among other topics such as "Preventing diaper blow outs," "He ate over 2 hours ago, what the hell is he spitting up?" and "How did he pee that far up the wall?" However I am happy to report that in addition to the multitude of things that I don't know, there are some things that I have figured out. For example:
1) When Junior is in hysterics, just lay him on his changing table. Instant silence. He just stares at a spot over your right shoulder. Or course you will then find yourself glancing over your right shoulder just to make sure that there is in fact nothing there. (And you'll continue to do this at approximately 30 second intervals just to make sure that there is STILL nothing there.)
2) Baby talk can be a great way to communicate with your baby. You are sure to get lots of smiles and coos in return. It is not however a great way to communicate with your peers or with inanimate objects. Recently I found myself talking in baby talk to my gym bag in the locker room. Yes, out loud. And let's just say that the people around me were NOT smiling and cooing in response. In my defense it was because my keys were playing Peek-A-Boo with me. (Dere you are!)
3) Dogs (or big, scarwey monsers as they have come to be known in our house - see baby talk example above) can be an invaluable source of entertainment for an infant. Greyden just stares at them with a skeptical expression of "what in the hell are those ugly creatures doing?" on his face. They are not so much a great source of entertainment for us parents. Mostly because my dogs like to wrestle, but only if they are within 2 feet of Junior on his activity mat. In addition, Harley is convinced that if he drops his slobbery bone on top of Greyden enough, Grey WILL throw it for him. Bella on the other hand just thinks he tastes phenomenal.
4) As soon as you remove his diaper, Greyden will pee. Or, if you're really lucky, poop. But only once you have removed the diaper and moved it a safe distance away from his bum. He just can't take the chance you might be able to grab it in time to cover him back up.
5) On that note, babies are loud poopers. At least mine is. You can literally hear him pooping from across the room. It sounds like the farts of a grown man at Deer Camp. On top of that, you would think he was trying to pass a Coke can with the way he grunts and strains. I cannot for the life of me figure out what he is having the issue with. I mean, the kid is breastfed and therefore doesn't even HAVE solid poops. But according to his doctor this is normal for babies. We are told that once he gets used to his bodily functions and how they feel, he won't be as vocal about having them. Therefore I anticipate this going on for quite some time, as Daddy must still be getting used to his bodily functions too.
6) One way to piss Junior off quickly? Pump in front of him. He appears to view Benny Breastpump as his competition, because getting out my pump ensures he will either 1) start doing something really, really cute to distract me (since I HAVE to go find my camera) or 2) decide that he needs to be held at THIS VERY MOMENT. I don't think he's made the connection that the outcome will make it to him eventually.
7) Junior not eating? Take him to a restaurant. There is about a 99% guarantee that if you take him out to eat with you, he will instantly decide that he is hungry as well and that he needs to eat NOW. This means that mommy gets to whip out the ol' boob in public to shut him up. Need a free peep show? Come to BWW with us.
8) The quickest way to get Junior to wake up screaming to be fed? Have a glass of wine after you put him down for the night! This will be sure to rouse him from even the deepest sleep within minutes, even after he's gone 2 straight weeks of sleeping 8+ hours a night.
9) What worked last week will not work this week. Remember that swing that you spend $150 on only to find that Junior HATED it and shrieked the entire time he was in it? No need to worry, because not only is it his new favorite thing, it's now the only place he'll nap! Same with the little monkey toy he was enthralled with last week. This week said monkey is apparently trying to eat him for dinner.
10) And last but not least, there is NOTHING in this world that is better than baby smiles. Especially when they are coming from YOUR baby. And the smiles are even better when you realize that your baby is actually smiling at you because he loves you and not just because he has gas. Need proof? See below.
pretty sure the last one looks like gas. ;)
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