Hanging with the Hockenberrys: Mommy Went to China and All I got was a Stupid Stuffed Panda...

I've now been back from China for 2 weeks and let me tell you, I still don't think I'm recovered. That is a LONG trip and a LONG time to be away from your family. I don't think I'll be jumping onto another plane any time soon (most likely because our plane home almost crashed about an hour outside Shanghai, but that's a different story.) I was lucky, I didn't have any jet lag, but it has been so busy around our house since I've been back that I'm exhausted anyway. I returned on Saturday, October 22, my in-laws left on Tuesday, Greyden got sick that evening and spent the next 2 days puking, Kevin and I caught the bug on Friday, we had family pictures and Greyden's 1 year pictures on Saturday, Greyden's 1st birthday party on Sunday, Halloween on Monday, Greyden's actual birthday on Tuesday, and Daddy's birthday is this Friday. I want to curl up into a ball, crawl under my down comforter (which is my one Michigan memento that I could never give up - and yes, we sleep under it all year round), and sleep for the next 2 weeks.

When people ask me what China was like, I tell them it was, well, China. I think it's one of those places you need to visit in order to understand. Shanghai was the absolute largest city I have ever been in. The high rises spanned for miles and miles, easily as far as your eye could see (although with the smog, that probably wasn't as far as you'd think). I have to admit that the heart of the city was beautiful. It reminded me of a giant Chicago - skyscrapers everywhere, but a lot of trees and green space too. The auditor that my boss and I traveled with goes to Shanghai about 3 times a year, so having our own personal tour guide was pretty sweet. It was very nice to be able to get on the subway and go somewhere without riding in circles for hours on end. Not that that's happened to me before.

I had every intention of documenting my trip on my blog while I was there, but guess what? Blogger was blocked. As was Facebook. I have no idea what the government thinks they are accomplishing by blocking social websites, because seriously, when your country sucks, you can rest assured that word is going to get out. And I'm going to probably be at the front line yelling about it the loudest. The people in China were horrible. The best word that I can think of to describe them was uncivilized. Or maybe heathens. Rude, pushy, loud, impatient, no manners, no concept of personal space, inappropriate, non-customer/service oriented (since there's no tipping, they get paid regardless of how they treat you), etc. The list goes on. By the end of the trip I decided that if I heard one more person slurp their food when eating (everything from soup to burgers) I would punch them. And the next person that spit in front of me would encounter the same fate. (Yes, I realize that this would involve me taking down hundreds of people at once, but by that point I was pretty sure I could do it.) Barb and I never could figure out why our drivers spent the entire time the were driving us around honking their car horns. It was non-stop. Every time they passed a car, came up behind a car, looked at a car, and even sometimes when there wasn't a car in sight, they'd honk their horn a few times. And everyone else was doing it too. Freaking weirdos.

While Shanghai was actually pretty (as long as you stayed downtown), the outskirts of the city were dilapidated industrial zones. When we went even further outside of the city (4 hours south by train) it was like riding through the poorest Mexico you can imagine. Our host at one of our vendors mentioned that he and his family had actually moved back to China last year. I cannot even begin to imagine why anyone would CHOOSE to live in these kind of conditions. He told us his wife was bored in the US. Um, really? Have you never heard of Disney World? NYC? Skydiving? Why would you want to give up a good life to go back to China and slum it? And worse, move your children back to those kind of conditions. I don't understand. I guess I can't say for certain that that they didn't live in a nice house, but honestly, I didn't even see one while we were there so I have reason to doubt that they exist.

While the accommodations of those living in China were god-awful, our accommodations were pretty damn sweet. The nice part about China is that the vendors that you work with treat Westerners like royalty so that you continue to do business with them. We stayed at really fancy hotels and ate at some really good restaurants. I have to admit, I was worried about the food. My suitcase may or may not have been stocked with 30+ emergency granola bars. But I really didn't have to worry. Yes, the food was different, as was the style of serving it, but it was pretty good. The Chinese traditionally serve dinners family-style. The tables are round, with a large Lazy Susan in the middle, like this:

Once you're seated, the waitstaff just begin bringing dishes out. You just spin the Lazy Susan until you get to the dish you want, then remove a portion with your chopsticks. (Kevin can no longer make fun of me for using chopsticks when eating at Asian restaurants. It's a damn good thing I was well-practiced, because forks weren't even offered.) The amount of food provided at each meal was staggering. And remember people, I'm a Shagene. If I say the amount of food was staggering, you can imagine how much of it there actually was. I'd have to say at least 30 different dishes were brought out at each meal. When one dish was empty, they'd replace it with something else. I even made myself at least try everything offered. (Okay, I turned down the fish skin and fried fungus on the breakfast buffet). But I did eat sugar cane, stir-fried conch, jelly fish, snails, weird muscles that looked like they were sitting in pools of blood, and blow fish. (Don't worry, the chef has to eat the blow fish 15 minutes before it's served to you to ensure that it has been prepared correctly and is not poisonous. If he lives, then they'll serve it to you. Yes, I'm 100% serious right now. Please tell me you've seen The Simpsons episode when Homer eats the blow fish....) We were also taken out for Hot Pot one night, which must be a spin-off of the Melting Pot restaurants here in the states. (I kid, I kid). A large pot of broth is brought out and put on a burner set in the table. Then large dishes of slivered raw meat and veggies are brought out. You use your chopsticks to drop some in the broth, stir it around, then dig it back out. Really good, but SO MUCH WORK. I knew there was a reason I refuse to go to the Melting Pot.

Oh! And the BEST part about China was the fashion. Or lack of. I have never been to a place where I 100% seriously wondered if people got dressed in the dark every morning. Or if they even have mirrors. I saw the most mis-matched clothes that you can imagine. Think a green argyle shirt with an orange plaid shirt over top. With a pair of purple MC Hammer-style pants and brown 4 inch platform sandals to complete the look. And everyone was dressed like that. I couldn't even imagine the type of stores that sold these things. I've seen 4 year olds dress themselves better.

Funny story - the purpose of us going to China was to audit two of our vendors. The first one we visited for two days straight. Upon leaving the second day, we were going straight to the train station and riding 4 hours south to the next vendor, whom we were auditing the following day. We usually dress business casual for audits, however on the second day I asked my boss if she thought it would be okay if I wore jeans so that I wouldn't be traveling all evening in dress clothes. She said she didn't think it would be a problem. I still felt a little self conscious when we showed up the next day. That is, until our host walked into the room wearing the EXACT same outfit she had worn the day before. And the reason I know it was the exact same outfit is because I figure one can only have so many pairs of purple plaid, wool pants, black shirts with swirlies on them, and a tan jackets with white polka. Pretty sure people aren't going to buy duplicates of that one.

Now back to my "death by plane crash" story...the ride coming out of Shanghai was horrible. The turbulence was the worst I have ever encountered. They had just finished serving dinner when the plane started bouncing around and doing some stomach-dropping maneuvers. I admit I'm not much of a flier, but I've never been scared of it. Let's just say I was white knuckling the armrests with my eyes squeezed shut and holding my breath. We had just leveled out (and I had just opened my eyes back up and slightly relaxed my death grip) when the plane started to nose-dive to the point where the food trays and drinks hit the ceiling (and it was at least an 8 foot ceiling), the flight attendants carts overturned, and people screamed. Let me tell you, when you're falling out of the sky over the Pacific Ocean, even the 2 seconds you're actually falling seems like an eternity. Picture yourself on a plane, heading down, and count "one thousand one, one thousand two." I had enough time to think to myself that this was it and I really was going to die, when the plane leveled out again. Unfortunately the turbulence didn't stop, although nothing was as bad as that. And the flight attendant was nice enough to come on and explain that "the temperature changes in the Spring and Fall can cause unforeseen weather conditions which was what caused the drop." Had she been able to say it without her voice shaking uncontrollably, I might have actually believed her. The worst part of the flight wasn't even the nose-dive. No, it was the fact that we still had 9.5 HOURS LEFT ON THE FREAKING PLANE. I don't think I've ever prayed so much or hard in my life. Every bump after that was enough to make me almost puke.

Oh, and one more funny story, this time about the plane. Remember how I said that the Chinese have no concept of personal space and are incredibly impatient? I was sleeping on the ride home when the Chinese guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder so that he could get out and use the bathroom. Of course the first thing I did was make a point of leaning forward and looking around him to the guy on the other side of him who was also on the aisle and AWAKE, then looking back at him like you are the stupidest person on earth. Then I started to gather up my blanket so that I could stand up. Before I could do that, the guy was trying to STRADDLE ME in order to get over me and to the aisle. Um, I don't think so Scooter. That guy got pretty much picked up and thrown back into his seat (and consequently, the empty seat next to him). Then I gave him an "if you even CONSIDER touching me, looking at me, or breathing in my direction again, I will kill you" death glare. Then I stood up (still glaring daggers at him) and let him out. I don't think he breathed for the rest of the flight, which was definitely in his best interest.

Needless to say, after all of that we made it home safely. While I am incredibly thankful I had the opportunity to go, it was SO good to get home (or even be alive at that point) and hold my baby again. We had Skyped every morning while I was gone, so being gone wasn't as bad as it could have been. And the silver lining was that while I was gone, he was weaned from breastfeeding! So I got to come home to a fabulous, formula-fed baby and an ICE-COLD BEER. I'd say that was reason enough to go on the trip.

The view from my hotel room in Shanghai

Downtown Shanghai

Heading into Old Town

Old Town

Yuyuan Garden is a famous classical garden located in Anren Jie, Shanghai. The garden was finished in 1577 by a government officer of the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644) named Pan Yunduan. Yu in Chinese means pleasing and satisfying, and this garden was specially built for Pan's parents as a place for them to enjoy a tranquil and happy time in their old age. Don't get any ideas, Mom and Dad.

Lost in translation

Yuyuan Garden

Barbara and Boyd at an awesome Thai restaurant where we stopped for beer after our long day of sightseeing. Come to think of it, we stopped quite a bit....

In the subway station - thanks for the warning.

My hotel room in Shanghai - the walls slid closed to cover the bathroom window.

The buildings were all light shows in and of themselves.

My awesome bathroom in Linhai.

A close up of the box on the counter when I arrived.

A close up of the box on the counter when I left (for the record of course)

"Besides, you can DIY while your sex partner is absent." At least they made the vibrator more agreeable.

I mean, I guess I'm happy that the couple can live in a healthier, cleaner, but wtf does it even mean?

Where do I get one of these for my bedroom at home???

The view from my hotel room in Linhai.

The other view from my hotel room. I hope my flash didn't disturb his morning Tai Chi too much.

Our room at the seafood restaurant our hosts in Linhai took us to.

The view from the restaurant

Another view.

And again.

Tombs in the side of a mountain. The white tombs peppered the mountain-sides as we drove from our hotel to the vendor site. There were literally hundreds of them.